I love Mormons in the spring.
It’s when I heard this line spoken without irony on a Sunday morning that I knew I needed to start writing down all the random things that my partner says. A few years ago now, this is the archetype of a line that comes out of her mouth every once in a while, unexpectedly. In this case, it was in reference to our good neighbors walking to church in a season when the winter thaw was well underway, daffodils were emerging, and winter overcoats gave way to spring dresses. This and so many other lines, taken out of context, are completely ridiculous and probably offensive. So many, even when taken in context, are navigating the razor’s edge between outrageous and inspired.
When I first started writing these things down I also started to wonder how to introduce these pieces of genius to a wider audience. I wrote an introduction about how this person who lives with me is my best friend, how she makes me double over in laughter and how I live to do the same to her, how lucky I am that I get to share these moments with someone I admire, like, and love.
But then this morning she re-reminded me of the list by giving me one more I needed to write down:
What was it when you basically got your tubes tied? I want to say “castration” but I know that’s not right.
I will still write that introduction about the love of my life, the mother of my children, but I’ve moved all of that text to an entirely separate essay. Her lines need to speak for themselves and should be read on their own. Perhaps the reader will long for more context: It’s helpful to know that the first line was told to my boss two levels up on the hierarchal chart; and references to bras are words spoken to our daughter; and … well, the rest is fine just left to the imagination. Enjoy. I know I have.
- I could tell you what I’ve heard but I’d have to be more drunk.
- I was the only vagina in town that wasn’t there.
- They’re really scary, but I didn’t used to knit.
- There’s always a contingent of cute hippies. I like hippies.
- If you were armless it would be really awesome.
- I’m thinking about stealing your bras.
- I’m sorry I exhaust you with my demands for sex.
- Do you know if these are your underwear or mine?
- It felt German; it was a real son of a bitch.
- Now that you’re so skinny you could totally wear a shawl.
- I know what I need! I need seaweed.
- I’m so glad we’re not Jewish. … Do you think their in-laws stay for the whole time [hanukah]?
- I’m pretty fuckin’ hilarious.
- Why are you in such a boring book?
- So I had to take some more Ibuprofen. For my vagina.
- He’s like a cross between James Franco and my Uncle Gene.
- I was hardly creepy or stalky at all this year.
- I’ve just committed to one elephant at a time.
- I just won’t kiss you. I wasn’t planning on kissing you anyway.
- What are you writing down now?